Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
