3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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