I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize