No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
