Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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