Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
