Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
