I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
