come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
