Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Ladies don't puke and tell
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
