so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
