I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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