So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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