spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
