Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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