i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
