I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
