I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
