I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Randomize
