he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
