I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
