If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
