Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
