new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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