If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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