Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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