You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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