I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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