These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
