How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
