whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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