Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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