One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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