Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
