If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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