end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
