I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
