you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
