My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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