i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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