I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
