how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
