My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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