Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
