omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
