i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
