Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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