Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
