just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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