My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
