She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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