about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
