a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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