So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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