i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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